I’ve been having conversations with a few of you recently that have inspired the following post. Don’t mind me too much as I continue to share what goes on in my interesting inner world. I am constantly thinking, feeling, contemplating, learning, growing, reflecting. And I absolutely love sharing about it with you as that is a huge part of this game of life for me – connecting and sharing from the depths. Here is what I’ve been working with for pretty much a lifetime and where I am at with it at present. Feel free to like and comment if any of it speaks to you.
We have this idea, and trust me, I came in with it too, that there is a limited amount of love and affection to go around and that if somebody we love shows love to somebody else, that there is less for us to receive. That somehow we will be lacking in love and affection.
And that somehow this means we are less worthy or that something is fundamentally wrong with us – that we are not enough. When I was a little girl, I have the very distinct memory of watching my sister get what I thought was more attention from my father and that hurt me horribly. I was certain that if I was only as pretty as my sister or if I did better and behaved better, that I would get more attention and more love from my father (and yes – I have psychoanalyzed the f*ck out of that one! Ha!). I have taken that with me throughout my life and it has taken years of spiritual practice to start to really undo that belief system that I hold so deeply.
Part of the purpose of doing spiritual practice is to open the heart, to relax our grip, and to not cling so tightly to attachments and fixations – fixations such as the need for love from one specific person.
The further along the spiritual path one goes, the greater the knowing grows that there is an abundance of love in The Universe and focusing on one person actually only serves to limit the amount of love that we receive and limits our ability to experience the capacity of The Universe to give us love, indeed to shower it down upon us and through us and out onto others.
I am really getting much more in alignment with this and especially even more so lately as I have started to embrace how I have shown up in this lifetime and my desire to love many people and connect with many people in a very intimate way. There is no possible way that one person could fulfill all of my desire and longing for connection and love. When I have tried to bridle and harness that desire or to affix it to one particular person, things always go horribly wrong and I am left lacking in some areas and overly dependent and I start getting jealous because I feel that I need to protect what I have and hold on to it because I've invested so much in it. Then my chosen partner and I both suffer and the love disappears and is replaced with neediness, resentment, anger, sadness, regret, and emptiness. It is a horrible cycle that I have repeated numerous times in my life as I have tried so desperately to fit into this societal norm and this paradigm of one person – loving only one person and connecting deeply with only one person. It is not natural for me (or any of us?) and never has been.
I was always the one cheating on my boyfriend in high school or trying to have numerous partners and probably being thought of as a slut and getting a 'bad reputation' and ultimately hurting myself and others.
At the time I did not have the tools to work skillfully and honestly with that situation and I have tried to suppress myself so much over the years trying to fit into that mold. It is not until I started my current profession, that I was actually able to stay faithful to one person. For the most part anyways – meaning that I did not cheat on the person I was engaged to once I was able to have the freedom to enjoy a number of different partners. Of course feelings developed for some of my special friends and I felt guilty about that as I was still trying to force some of myself into those norms and to keep my emotions and focus on only one person, which is really so limiting and restrictive when we think about it.
We are taught that it is wrong to love more than one person – to have feelings of deep affection and/or sexual attraction to more than one person. Our natural tendency, capacity, desire and ability, as human beings, to feel love and attraction for many people has been restricted, denied, demonized and criminalized.
What we have been fed by society is just not realistic. We cannot expect one person to fulfill our every need and that extends to many areas of our lives, not just intimacy, and not just emotions. Other activities that we enjoy, friendships we participate in, work relationships. All of these are part of our lives and we could not be expected to cut out all of that for one person. Why should emotions and intimacy be any different? So I have struggled with this throughout my life, as I've said previously here. Trying to keep my emotions in check and keep my love and affections small and tidy and focused on one person. Trying to keep my sensual desires limited to one person. It does not work and I go a little bit crazy, okay, a lot crazy. And I beat myself up thinking I am a horrible person for my desires and natural tendencies. I feel shame. I shut down. And then I drive my partner away so I am free again to have the experiences and intimacy I so crave with a number of people.
I am finally fully embracing that aspect of me and who I am and my desire to experience and care for and love a number of different people.
And that is why I have been coming out here on this blog and sharing more openly about my experiences and connections with a number of people. I used to, even despite people knowing what I do for a living, pretend that I was not enjoying other people. I would not talk about my experiences with other people, I kept quiet about relationships I had with people, I worried what you might think when you were reading reviews, I pretended like you were the only one. Despite the glaringly obvious fact that you are not! Kind of crazy really. I guess really getting into that GFE fantasy, but taking it to the extreme in my head. I was still letting our societal norms dictate my behavior and sense of self worth. And I realized how much that was hindering my connection and intimacy with you all as I was still trying to be something that I wasn't and portray something that wasn't real and to hide parts of myself and my experience.
It is basically a form of manipulation. Manipulating how you see me and what you think of me and what your experience is of me and your emotions surrounding your experience with me. I wanted to control all of that. I am finally letting go of that need to control and manipulate that came from fear of you not caring about me in the same way and taking your affections away. That's what all this comes down to. That fear that I will lose love, lose affection, lose connection. Fear of being judged – of what you might think of me. It makes us do some really stupid things and it had me trying to be something I'm not. And as I write that I am thinking this goes both ways – I know of friends that don’t want to ask me to be a reference for them because they are concerned my feelings will be hurt if I know they are enjoying an experience with somebody else. I so totally get that!
After a while though, after putting up with that for so long, one finally explodes I think. Hence so much divorce in our society as we try so desperately to conform to unrealistic ideas of relating and being with people. I am at the place where I just can't take that anymore and can't keep trying to live in the silly little façade that I have created for myself. I need to go all the way with myself! I feel like I am coming out to myself as well here as I start to fully embrace myself and release these bizarre notions of who I thought I needed to be for you, for me, for society. Of who I needed to be to gain love, acceptance, affection, and to feel worthy.
It has been such an interesting journey sharing this with you as I start to open up and try to align more fully with how deeply I want to care about you and how much love and affection I have to go around. And through this sharing it feels like, ultimately, it only serves to enrich both my life and yours as I start to allow my heart to be more open and allow the depth of connection to be so much more intense and real.
I've not shared like this previously because I get concerned of causing hurt or jealousy with people and I'm hearing reports that that is part of this process for people – that it is difficult for some of you to hear about me being with other people.
I so totally get that. I really truly do. I have lived my whole life experiencing those feelings. But I am here to tell you that our connection is actually more real and beautiful with my being more authentic with you and not hiding behind the facade. I know that, for me, loving a number of people at one time is real, is possible, and can be really quite desirable and fulfilling and nourishing way beyond what we have been told about needing to keep ourselves attached to one individual person. That is not to say that I connect with everybody on a deep level of course – each relationship is unique and comes with its own special energy and chemistry. Some people I get to give and receive pleasure with once or twice and some people I develop longer lasting, more intimate connections with.
Some of you have been in my life for many years and that is just such a blessing.
I also want to be clear that this post is not to shame any of us for feeling twinges of jealousy or fear of losing something we care about or for feelings of insecurity or rejection, I know those feelings so well and have so fully embodied them. I would never put anybody down for having those experiences. I just want to share about my exploration and open up the conversation to perhaps get us to start contemplating and looking at new ways of being in the world and new ways of doing relationship and realizing that there is more than enough love to go around. To challenge those insecurities and feelings of unworthiness. Our society lives and thrives in this lack mentality that has been perpetuated to keep us fighting against each other and to keep us clinging to and defending what tiny little bit we have feeling like it is the only thing available and we better hold on to it lest we lose it and have nothing. It is all bullshit.
The Universe is abundant and I am getting deeply in alignment with that reality and appreciating that my entire foundation that was previously based on lack is wrong.
There is more than enough to go around for everybody. More than enough love, money, resources, connection, whatever you could possibly want or desire. If you realign yourself with that abundance and prosperity consciousness, it will start to become your reality.
I can say this because I've been working very hard on it and it is happening in my life. This is just one area sharing here with you about my journey of love, connection, intimacy, and sensuality. I have an abundance of joy and beauty through what I do and I have been trying to minimize that in weird way because I was afraid of losing some of it. I'm now moving into the place where I am attempting to fully embrace all of this and embrace the abundance and let it flow through me. In order to allow that love and abundance to flow through I have to let go of my defenses and some restrictions that are hindering it from doing so and that means dropping my manipulations and my fear of being honest and being real with who I am. Fear of being seen.
I want to share with you a perfect example of this abundance and flow that happened with a friend a few weeks back. I had a date set up for the morning time when another friend emailed to ask if I was available that same morning. Normally I would have made up an excuse as to why I wasn't available and asking if we could find another time on another day. Truth be told, I wanted it all, I wanted to have both dates.
I thought it would be really hot to spend time with one gentleman and then spend time with another right after.
So I took a chance and told him about my little fantasy and would that turn him on as well or would that be something that did not appeal to him. It was scary to send that email, but also totally liberating. I felt like I would be okay with whatever response I received – that is part of my letting go of trying so hard to control what you think of me! Much to my total pleasure and surprise, he said he thought that was pretty hot as well and that he would love to see me after I had seen my other friend. Holy hell! That was the biggest turn-on. I took a chance and was totally honest and shared a fantasy and shared the reality of my situation without worrying about how I might look and how I might be perceived by sharing this fantasy. And it all worked out so beautifully and we had the most amazing hot time together and the energy was so erotic and so way beyond. It was amazing! And an experience I will not soon, if ever, forget. And we connected so deeply over that – having that shared experience and that shared fantasy and taking it to the next level and being open and honest with each other. It was beautiful! It is everything I'm doing this for. And I share this with you to perhaps inspire you to take some chances and open up too. Amazing things are possible!
The further along I go in my spiritual practice the more deeply I feel connected to Source and that is what is helping me to relax my attachments and my need to cling and grasp and hold tight to what I am afraid of losing.
The more deeply in tune with Source I get the more deeply I understand there is nothing to lose and that there never has been. The more I let go, the more I realize how rich and beautiful my life is. One of my mantras is “I am held, I am loved, I am Source.” And this is just true. I have nothing to lose. Nothing to fear. My clinging and grasping is what is restrictive and holding me back from experiencing all the love I could ever want or need.
I think I will end with that. Thank you again for bearing witness to my journey and being in my life in whatever capacity that you are. I am so grateful for you all. I don’t want to pretend it isn’t a bit challenging to share this all, but, as mentioned above, also quite liberating. Part of me thinks – who wants to read this? Who cares about my process and my journey? But that is the part of me that I am trying to walk away from – those are the messages that keep me small and quiet and hiding. So I’m telling those voices to fuck off and I’m putting this out there. And we’ll just see what happens. Again, do feel free to like and comment if any of this has inspired you. Questions are welcome too! Would LOVE to hear your thoughts. Or come tell me in person…
Lots of love and light to you all on your journey ~ Star
Image credit: Raymont Anderson