Hello you beautiful sexy readers! My muses. I’ve missed you. It has been a gloriously busy past five weeks and I have so many things to share with you. I hardly know where to begin actually, but I believe, before I dive into some deeper waters, I will share some updates on my sensual empowerment journey. I know I somewhat dropped the ball on you all after sharing about the start of my adventure with the sex and intimacy coach. Suspense and anticipation can be such a delicious sensation though right?!
I do so love a long drawn out tease…
Mmmm. Okay, wow. Barely getting started here and already my mind has taken me into beautifully sexy places with you.
Bringing it back now to my last session (I started typing sexsion – ha!) with Stella which was a bit of a follow up of the first; we continued exploring communication and expectations. Something important came up as we talked – and though I’ve had the pleasure of sharing with a few of you already, I am going to take this opportunity to touch on it again as I feel, based on my conversations with you thus far, that it is a common theme for people and should definitely be shared here in greater detail.
In our perfectionist society, the thought of trying something new and not being perfect at it tends to shut us down from trying at all. The fear of doing something wrong, saying something wrong, looking weird, or making a mistake is completely debilitating.
And especially where intimacy is concerned where we are already feeling vulnerable and dealing with all of the stupid societally-induced shame around our sexuality [see previous blog posts for more on this topic]. This has been my experience for sure and I am hearing that I am not alone – and it is, excuse my language here, seriously fucking with our ability to enjoy our sexuality, explore our fantasies, and pursue greater pleasures.
In my discussion with Stella, a few times I referred to my being “shy” about certain activities – and maybe it wasn’t even about certain activities as it was just being “shy” in general. And I know that may sound silly to some of you, but it is true. But, as Stella pointed out, maybe shy isn’t exactly the word. She asked, “Are you really shy or is it more about skill level or is it that something just doesn’t appeal to you?” Whoa. Yeah. Great question and super helpful to differentiate between those three options!
As I pondered this, I realized that many of the activities I feel shy about are really more about the fact that I simply haven’t done them before so I lack confidence and have this notion that I need to be doing them perfectly before engaging in them with a partner. And if I never engage in them, there certainly is no way I’m going to perfect them, so I am a bit of an impasse here. Ugh. As I am typing this, I realize how
We have lost so much of the fun and spontaneity in our sexual expression
as we, as stated above, feel the need to be these perfect sexual creatures without flaw (whatever that means) in performance based on what has been portrayed by Hollywood, by porn, and by images of “perfect” bodies out there donning the covers of magazines, in advertisements, and on TV. I know I am guilty of this one! If I don’t look super sexy, I don’t get to BE super sexy. Yikes. Hard to say that one out loud, but there it is.
I know men suffer from body image issues as well, but it is especially difficult for women in this society to look less than perfect at all times (which I certainly don’t) and to not be deeply affected by absolutely impossible standards. And I know I actually contribute to the situation with my images and the way I portray myself. I truly try to bring my authentic self to what I do and how I share myself, but still, there is most definitely an air of fantasy here and I have a lot of fun with that actually – fun being feminine and sensual and sexual here with you all – fun dressing in beautiful lingerie, being in beautiful environments, and being beautiful. But I do know my reality is not the norm and for the most part, since my time with you tends to be quite limited, you tend to get the very best of me, which again, feeds into the illusion.
[Fun side note here: I did just hear the best compliment ever by a special friend I just had the immense pleasure of spending a week with (blog post coming about that beautiful adventure!) – he said he was so pleasantly surprised to discover that I was pretty much the same person he had come to know through previous encounters – only with clothes on as is appropriate out in public! Ha]
I don’t know where I’m going with this all, but please stay with me as I puzzle and ponder through. As I was typing that last little bit there, I realize that, though our society puts so much value into how sexual women are, it also is not supported to be so out in public so much.
I certainly could not walk around in my lingerie and sexy heels without getting in all sorts of trouble and being horribly judged and shamed. Truth be told, I'm guilty of judging women as well ("omg - she shouldn't be wearing THAT!") and I have to catch myself when it happens as I know that is not how I want to be. I want us all to be free to be who we are and express our authentic selves without fear of judgment or being shamed. I hate admitting that I am part of the problem but it just goes to show how ingrained, unconscious, and acceptable this behavior is.
So that is part of what I love about being here and this avenue of sexual expression that simply would not be okay in most arenas – it is a double-edge sword. Be sexy, but not too sexy. Have sex, but only with the person society deems it is okay to have sex with (your monogamous partner of course). And be skilled in the bedroom, but not too experienced. WTF. Confusing messages to maneuver through to say the least.
I may revisit that at a later time, but for now am going to return to our original topic – perfection, skill level, playfulness. So, yeah, as I was pondering Stella’s question, it really was interesting and eye-opening to discover that most of what lay behind my shyness was really more about skill level. Some activities just don’t appeal to me of course, as we all have our preferences, but some really do appeal to me, I just don’t know how to do them so I “shy” away. There is where the shyness really comes in. It was so refreshing to hear her say that if it is about skill-level that is something we can work with. She said that I couldn’t expect to go rock climbing and have that perfected from the start and without practice, so why would I expect to have brand-new-to-me sexual activities perfected. Yeah. Duh. Of course. Sounds so simple when she put it like that and it really took the pressure off.
She then went on to tell me that if there are things I want to learn about, that she could teach me – like how to give a proper spanking.
Whoa. Yeah. I guess that actually does kind of turn me on when I think about it, but would probably never try it out of fear that I was doing it wrong or wouldn’t actually like it in the moment. So weird the pressure we put on ourselves around all of this. And why? What is the big deal anyway? Why does it feel so mortifying to do something wrong or make a mistake? Silly questions of course because one doesn’t have to look too deeply to recognize that this is all fear-based. The fear of rejection is huge and real for us. The fear of being judged, criticized, not loved. I think the more I can talk this out and recognize it for what it is, the easier it gets to confront that fear and realize that there is no basis for it. Also important to recognize how crafty and subtle it is underneath everything as I start diving into all of this – it is not a conscious thought-process of course. It takes something like this contemplating and typing it all out to really get down under it. And this process of sharing sheds so much light and takes the power out of it.
There are plenty of other new things in life that I try all the time out of curiosity, knowing I can simply stop any time I want to or simply not repeat. But when it is sexual activity, it becomes epic, larger-than-life, I have to do this perfect or I will be absolutely mortified in front of my partner! What is that?! When did this perfection creep in? When did we lose the fun and our sense of humor about all of this? Sheesh! I want it back please! I want to have fun and not feel so much pressure to perform perfection.
I want to explore and play and be curious. I want to touch and dive into you and into fantasy and feel free.
I think I need to schedule my next session with Stella – and learn some of those spanking techniques! Are you into that? It totally turns me on to be spanked, though I’ll admit I’ve not really gotten to experience much of that for some reason. I do think it is totally hot though. And what about you – do you ever fantasize about being spanked? What is the scenario running through your mind? How do you envision that and what turns you on about it? Soooo deliciously curious to hear more. Mmmm – I’ve got that heavenly throbbing feeling between my legs again. I guess that answers my question – yes, definitely a turn-on for me. Wow.
So yes – such a powerful journey to be on. Such a purging and releasing of heavy, soul-crushing, sensuality destroying patterns and behaviors! And I know that just because I am sharing this with you all doesn’t make it all disappear for me, but again feeling so grateful to be putting it out there and opening up the conversation with you. Perhaps this will help all of us to be a bit more open with our sexual expression and our curiosities and relax some of our perfectionist tendencies – to bring some more fun and playfulness into our sensual explorations. To have more courage to try out some new things that have been running around in our minds forever – as I love to say: turning fantasy into reality!
Oooo! And on that delicious note, stay tuned for my next post where I will be sharing all about some of the latest ventures I am undertaking to do precisely that – turning my fantasies into realities!
And thank you for following my thoughts with me as they swirl and meander from place to place. I am not a linear thinker! I feel like I touched on quite a few topics here that could very easily get their own dedicated blog post – and perhaps they just might at some point in the future. Would especially love to dive deeper into the topic of body image issues that we ALL deal with for sure - and how does that hold us back from deeper connection and intimacy with each other - and from more fulfilling experiences of pleasure. And I would love to hear more from you about any and all of this either when we see each other in-person or feel free to comment below if you’re feeling inspired and brave!
Love and light to you ~ Star
Oooo! I love that comment: "Grace and humor are the essential lubricants for a smooth rendezvous." So much! Grateful for your sentiments. I've really been taking this conversation to heart and have felt myself lightening up in exciting ways (as you can no doubt attest to now!). Relaxing tensions around how I think I'm supposed to look or be. Feels so refreshing and so much fun! ~xo
This is such a great post. We play in a fantasy world here, but we bring preconceptions, themselves based on fantasy:
movie sex scenes, TV depictions of that "perfect" sexual encounter, the porn industry's totally unrealistic portrayal of sex acts and the (mis)understanding of the general public, again, influenced by media of all types.
Let me say, regardless where you stand on any given issue in this arena, since we all have flaws, insecurities, and limitations, there cannot be a single nor perfect way to play.
It seems to me that mutual trust, understanding and open communication before and in the moment provide the best opportunity to have, not a perfect, but a mutually satisfying encounter. Grace and humor are…